Blog

“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.”
—Martin Luther King Jr.—

Experience:   Big Table

When I was a kid, we gathered around the Passover table every spring with a hodgepodge of relatives and friends. Some years our table would extend to include over 30 people. I joked with my mom that we would need a special permit from the Rabbi to conduct such a large event outside the Temple. In pockets around this table, we would have spirited discussions about food, sports, relationships, and politics. Pretty much anything went. People jousted for airtime and tried to score points for their ideas. Looking back, it was my first window into group facilitation. I noticed that some people were quiet and mostly listened, while others loved to talk, debate, and make lots of noise. A few people could get everyone’s attention with just a couple of words and a gesture. Especially if they were in charge of bringing out the dinner.

It was this large table that introduced me to the idea of a shared, sacred space. When we finished the small talk, we handed out Passover reading books and gave voice to the story of Jews leaving Egypt for their new homeland. The same people who had been arguing and jousting now carefully read aloud one by one. And every once in a while, the story called on all those assembled to read together. Our voices boomed in unison with such power that I was sometimes moved to tears, although as a kid I didn’t know why. No matter who attended, whether they were blood relatives or not, they were welcomed and engaged with warmth and hospitality. They were family in our eyes.

Relevance: I Know You

In these highly polarized times, we ‘other’ people a lot. We use labels to divide and separate– even to demonize. What if we instead tried to see people we don’t even know as members of our extended family? What if we called strangers brothers and sisters, or as cousins, uncles or aunts? In ancient cultures, they actually do this. When I visited India, they referred to older persons they casually met in the street as auntie or uncle. It created a bond and a palpable feeling of comfort as if to say, “I know you and we are connected, even if we haven’t met before.” It was familiar to me because of my family’s table.

Practice: Extended Family

• Intention. Before you walk out the door of your home or open a virtual call, take a moment to set an intention that you will be meeting people with whom you are related. Expect to find connections with these people as if it were natural.
• Communication. Share a word with someone you don’t know, looks or acts differently than you, or happens to cross your path. Take a few minutes to communicate to them that they matter. You may be very surprised at the results. 
• Acknowledgment. When you do hear something of value or even of wonder, be sure to mark the occasion by calling it out. “That is cool because…” “Yes, that is such a good idea.” “That reminds me of…” In moments of real connection, I will sometimes finish the conversation by referring to that person as brother or sister.
• Caring. Take a moment to give back to this other person. It may be as simple as “thank you”, “be well”, or “stay safe.” This is a way of caring for another human being as if they are related to you. You are rooting for them because their success and health will ultimately assist everyone, including you. Just like they are members of your extended family.

Experience:   Hooked    

“Let’s create vision boards to set our intentions for the New Year”, my wife said. I  grimaced and thought to myself, ‘This doesn’t work for me, seems silly.’ Over the course of the next hour, I stomped around the house stewing in my self-righteousness. While attempting to explain my sour attitude, I emotionally vomited all over my kids and my wife, almost destroying a very creative and kind activity meant to bring us together as a family. I fell into a well that I could not see; a blind spot(s) that brought me to a dark, dangerous place. My voice quivered and my belly tightened. I was hooked.

Digging out from this display was not pretty. It took several hours of unpacking later that night to own what was mine and take responsibility for it as well as express what was brewing underneath. Navigating the tensions and riding the waves with my wife and family helped me to explore the scary territory of the situation. And I discovered and treated wounds lurking in the corners as a result. Most of all, it affirmed the power of bringing personal demons into the bright light of family life.

Relevance: Opening

A wise teacher of mine once said, “Don’t ask me how you are doing, ask your family.” You can take 360 evaluations at work, go on personal retreats, or fill out one of countless self assessment questionnaires. But if you really want to dive in and uncover your progress, there is no better place to get real time feedback than with those to whom we are closest.  The reason this is such rich medicine is that we tend to let our guards down and open ourselves emotionally. The usual walls that separate our public and private lives become more porous. We are vulnerable. Vulnerability creates the opportunity for sacred ground to do deeper personal and interpersonal work.

Practice: Exploring         

Disclaimer: Exposing and exploring emotional demons with family, either by blood or by choice, can be challenging, especially for those with histories of trauma or abuse. So please be advised to take care when deciding who you will practice with. Here are some suggestions if you choose to move forward.

• Safety: First and foremost, ensure your safety when venturing into this work. If you have reason to fear for your physical or emotional safety, you will not take down your guard, nor should you! When the going becomes too much, take a break or chose not to continue.
• Support: Make sure that you are in a place where people have your best interest at heart. A close group of friends can be a good place to start this work because they may be more able to stand with you while not venturing too strongly into their own dark places.
• Noticing: As you push off into the wilds of family interactions, pay very close attention to your body and emotions. It takes diligent practice to watch without falling too far into the abyss. Feel the sensations and where they take place. Note the intensity, pulse, or vibration of energy as the emotions crest. Are there any words that turn up the intensity? Do certain phrases or stories start to play more loudly in the mind?
• Sharing: Once you notice, there is an opportunity to name what is happening for you. This can either be done with yourself or out loud with a family member or friend. Some places to start– “I notice that the story I am telling myself is…” “When you say… my stomach starts to tighten” “I am feeling very angry (sad) (afraid) and need to just pause for a bit.” Writing these things down can be very helpful. Take a look at the patterns and past encounters that show up.
• Grace space: Remember that this is hard work. Going slowly and being patient with yourself allows what can be called ‘grace space.’ Grace space provides ease and balance to roam around a bit while not needing concrete answers. You are carefully exploring new, unchartered territory. Grace does not mean tidy or clean. Exploring is, almost by necessity, messy.

Experience:   Aria

The interstate was nasty. A combination of rain, sleet, and snow fell on the windshield making it very difficult to see. As I passed semis, the trucks blanketed my field of vision even more by drenching the glass. In these moments I was completely blind. It took all of my concentration just to hold a steady line on the road. Luckily, I was not alone.

My youngest daughter sat next to me, lightening the mood and keeping me engaged. She and I were having a lovely talk about how the “Gen Z” crowd saw the topic of gender. She explained the nuisances of why so many people her age were repulsed by traditional ideas of male and female, power, and voice. I added to our endeavor by sharing my perspective about the value of working with masculine and feminine energy; regardless of how you identify–male, female, or neither. While the substance of the talk buoyed me, it was not remotely the heart of the matter. We listened to each perspective, built or jousted the ideas, and then allowed one another to continue. We held the tension of our differences while being close to the center of our mutual admiration. Our ability to be in community sang like an aria. We were separate people, with one unified voice.

As the temperature dropped outside, the rain, sleet, snow mixture turned to pure snow. It became much easier to navigate as the white flakes bounced off the windshield and quickly melted on the pre-salted highway. We made it home safely– all the better for taking the journey together.

Relevance: Re-find Community

Holding people’s perspectives with attention, respect, openness, and wonder helps create the foundation of a very different kind of conversation. This type of speaking and listening allows people to build rather than divide; to delve and complexify rather than tear apart and win. It requires a BOTH-AND dance that holds tensions of opposing views. Ultimately it creates something unique and unifying much like a work of art. Some people call this kind of talk a fourth way–distinct from lecture, debate, or even dialogue. As our national and international temperatures rise, many worldviews are being uncovered for all to see. It is easy to fall into destructive ways of listening. To navigate this new terrain, the way we speak with each other as human beings must evolve or we risk all the violence and horror that befall those at war. We must Re-find Community through generative conversation.

Practice: Generative Conversation         

Branford Marsalis famously said ‘There’s only freedom in structure, my man. There’s no freedom in freedom.’ To converse in complex times, we are challenged to listen and speak in generative ways. Generative conversations provide an allowance for difference, maintaining structure and personal integrity, and uncovering innovative, unified results. Here some ways to seed generative conversation:

• Intention- the wonder of conversing. In generative conversations, you enter the field by intending to discover something new and fresh. You should be on the edge of your seat expecting wonder.

• Presence– the integrity of listening. Bring your attention completely to the person speaking. As your mind wanders and thinks of what YOU want to say, bring it back to the speaker. Reclaim your intention of wonder through attention.

• Delivery– the power of language. If you are used to rambling or taking up space to make your point, instead chose your words with deliberate care as if you are painting a picture. Hold the tension of speaking and listening firmly in your body like you are dancing with the others in the conversation.

• Awe– the affirmation of creation. When you generate your conversation, you are in the zone of discovery, like an artist, a scientist, or a lover. Affirming and celebrating what you find leaves you wanting more. It is an upward positive spiral which generates, renews, and leaves you in awe of what’s possible when you chose to converse in this way.

There was a penetrating silence. It’s the kind of silence that normally strikes fear into the heart of virtual meeting leaders. Here we were over twenty of us on the Zoom platform, intently waiting for someone to speak. After a few moments, a man we will call Larry shared his perspective: “I notice that we are quiet, which may mean that this is very personal. That’s how it is for me at least…” Then Larry when on to talk about what it was like being a person who is deaf in the virtual environment. Using a sign language interpreter for those of us who couldn’t understand signing, his story touched our hearts with vulnerability and openness. His perception as well as his perspective rendered me gasping for air, on the verge of tears. I found out moments later I was not alone. Members of the group stepped forward enthusiastically to acknowledge Larry’s courage and leadership. Then they shared their own perspectives in ways that took the conversation to a whole new level.

Relevance: SUPER-ABLED

People who are disabled are regularly sidelined or excluded. Their views sometimes do not make it into streams of rapid, conventional conversations because of poorly designed processes of engagement. What we continue to learn, however, is that when people who are deaf, bind, physically, or mentally disabled are left out, you cut off immense possibilities. Over the past several months, we have enjoyed the benefits of working closely with disabled communities. Time and time again, we are struck by how the disabled bring a wealth of heart and personal experience born from fires of struggle and hardship. They offer wisdom and humility that showers us with courage and conviction. They are not disabled, but rather SUPERABLED people capable of tapping into highly attuned channels of insight that evade most of us. For this reason, it is critical that they be welcomed and even cherished.

Practice: Complexifying

There is a lot of talk about diversity in today’s circles. it has become almost passé and predictable in organizations that tend to conceptualize it, like they are checking a box. However, diversity is extremely practical. At its most essential, it allows and invites a richness of experiences into the conversation that would usually not be heard. I like to think of it as complexifying. Here are a few ways to set the table for people who are disabled to come forward:

• Ask: Make sure to include in your meeting or event planning clear, direct communications about accessibility. An example is: “Do you have a specific need or requirement to be accommodated in this event/meeting?” Add this question to surveys and prep meetings.
• Prepare for Support: The moment you know a participant needs accessibility accommodations, make sure to contact them about their needs. Perhaps they need an interpreter or real time typist. Don’t wait to contact support persons to ensure they have time to assist and book them on the calendar.
• Design for All Channels: When you do have an accessibility need expressed, it will take time and attention to ensure that everyone can meaningfully participate. For example, if you use slides or videos, they will need to be shown using closed captioning, or visually accessible for reading machines.
• Include unusual needs: Even with careful support and design, it may take effort to fully include people with disabilities. We as leaders have a bias built into the way we communicate and engage. So make sure to build in time to SLOW DOWN, PAUSE, and INCLUDE into your program. As we have learned, you will be rewarded with treasures of insight that might have been untapped.   

In our continuing series on Integrity, we first explored Cleanliness, then Complete Communication. In this last article, we focus on Completion in all things. Again, we define integrity as operating from “wholeness”.

Experience: The in Between. For the past several months I’ve been living in my fiancé’s home in Middleton with her two girls as she spent extended time caring for her elderly parents in Florida. Early this summer it became clear that it was time for me to sell my condo in Madison and make this move permanent. There was the issue of limited space in my new home and I needed to get rid of a lot of furniture and other accumulation. No longer living in the condo, it was easy for me to forget about all that stuff. Out of sight and easily out of mind. Yet I know that unfinished things in my life tend to nag me, albeit sometimes unconsciously, in a way that can sap my energy.  So, I decided I would take small consistent steps to clean, clear, and ready the condo for sale.

I visited weekly to sort out unneeded items to give away; hired a cleaning company to polish up the place; gradually listed and sold items of value no longer needed; and brought boxes to the new house, to sort through and release unneeded items. About three months later the condo is clean and completely empty, save a few items a new owner might want, and it’s up for sale. Looking back, I love how a seemingly overwhelming project that might otherwise sap emotional energy is now complete. It was kind of effortless.

Relevance: Integrity as Completion

It may sound strange but I sometimes feel comfort in unfinished work. I know from experience however that leaving a project incomplete is not a healthy place.  If I’m not done with a project, it’s not “whole” and I’m just short of integrity. I think many of us fear not having enough to do so that by having a backlog of work, we are assured this will never be a problem. When I catch myself in this dynamic, I work to quickly tie up loose ends to bring things to completion. This makes me “whole” and frees up energy and emotional bandwidth to rest and restore myself, or to embrace new opportunities.

Practice: From Avoidance to Action

1. Take one bite at a time. Do you have an unfinished task or project that keeps coming to mind that you put off for one reason or another? This is the one to focus on because it’s taking your energy. The energy you could be using make it complete. Every time that it comes to mind, spend just five minutes on it. You find these baby steps will translate into progress. Progress translates into momentum and your view of the task will change. Taking small bites moves you from avoidance to action and action leads to completion.
   
2. Let it go. Maybe there is a project you keep thinking that you want to do yet you find yourself stuck and not moving towards it. What would happen if you just let it go? Do that and see what happens. You’ll either feel lighter, indicating you made the right choice or, you may find new energy or a new reason to get into action. Either way, you’re on your way to being unstuck.

In our last issue, we talked about integrity as a way to tidy up our surroundings with a focus on cleanliness. Cleanliness isn’t about being clean for clean sake. It allows for both function and flow through its simplicity and improves the chances we can address these complex, messy times we live in. This week we deepen the scope of what integrity can mean in our lives through complete communication.

Experience: No Show. ‘I will meet you there at 2:00 PM’, that’s what the voice on the other end of the phone said. 2 o’clock comes and goes…and then 2:30. No one shows. When I used to rent out rooms in a three flat apartment building, this happened countless times. I would be left standing on the porch waiting. It was so rare to get a direct call from someone running late or deciding to cancel that when it DID happen, I would go out of my way to attract this person! By showing me that they cared enough to communicate, they separated themselves from the other possible applicants. Many more times no message or follow-up took place. You can learn a lot about a person from when and how they show up for appointments. If they arrive early, on time, or slightly late then chances were this is how they would ALWAYS behave. Another difference was how completely they communicated about it.

Relevance: Complete Communication. How often have you been confused about someone’s behaviors or unclear about expectations? This is something most of us need to navigate on a regular basis. Someone promises to take an action, and then they don’t deliver what is expected and/or when it is expected. When this happens, we can often trace the cause back to incomplete communication. The good news is, we can almost always “clean up” and complete our communication when we notice it lacking. Complete communication can strengthen our relationships.

Practice: Integrity of Communication

• Commitment Language: One of the most powerful ways to ensure complete communication is to use the words “I will…” Using this language wakes up the brain and sears the synapses of both the person making and receiving the commitment. Try this out if you regularly miss or avoid deadlines or commitments.
• Direct line: When locking in a commitment or appointment, ask the person the best way to reach them directly if something changes. That way, you can make a new plan that will cause the least harm to both or all of those involved. Include this direct line into your calendar notes or notebook so you access it quickly and easily.
• Follow-up to Clean-up: If you do make a “mess” with something you do or don’t do, take time to clean it up! Set a time to reach that person. Just letting it simmer is a form of avoidance and will cause damage to any relationship; especially over time.
• Take 100% responsibility: “I’m sorry, my…(insert long, dramatic story).” It sounds innocent enough.  You miss a deadline or commitment and then tell a story describing why you didn’t follow through. But this actually continues the cycle of harm because the recipient has to wade through it, spend their time listening to it, and take energy away from something else. Rather than apologize, let them know that you broke your commitment and want to take full responsibility. Discuss the impact you had by NOT meeting the commitment rather than give excuses or apologies. Then discuss possible options for making things better. Before you finish, be sure to decide on a renewed commitment.

In our last issue, we talked about integrity as a way to live the good life. By good, I mean that good things seem to come to us to the degree we operate from “wholeness”. This week we widen the scope of what integrity can mean in our lives through cleanliness.

Experience: Integrity as Cleanliness.

I’m not necessarily the neatest, most organized person but I’m not a total slob either. There are times when I really let things go around my home, office, clothing, etc. Then there are times when something inside me says “enough!” I can’t move! Now I’m not saying that sometimes during a creative streak that things don’t get messy. We sometimes need to allow messiness and less structure when we’re creating. It’s just that after the creative storm, we can regain inner clarity and energy by clearing the decks.

Relevance: Function

When you de-clutter and clean your environment you set yourself up for greater functionality. You know where to find things, simplify your process steps, and make things more appealing to the senses. This way in the midst of busy lives, back to back schedules, or unexpected crisis, you can be more resilient and responsive. Function allows for the complexity of ever-changing conditions.

Practice:  Lightening the Load

Here are a couple of ways to lighten the load and create integrity around cleanliness:

• Purge and clean: Get rid of the unnecessary materials on your desk and around the house, dust-up, clean up, and organize. Afterward, you’ll feel so much better and things will seem so much clearer. Take time to do this once a day, once a week, or as you go. The main thing is to invest in purging and cleaning.
• A Baseline of structure: Branford Marsalis once said ‘There’s only freedom in structure, my man. There’s no freedom in freedom.’ A certain baseline of cleanliness and structure offers a feel of integrity, wholeness, spaciousness, and positive energy. You can have this too when you allow ease of use and finding structure in what’s around you.

Experience: The Emergency

Flying at 7,500 in a tiny Cessna 150, seven miles from the airport over the burning Mojave Desert, the last thing I wanted to hear was my engine shutting down. The plane began to fall like a rock in the thin 115-degree heat as I scrambled to maneuver my way to safety. My girlfriend turned to me in horror, “Is everything OK?” Somehow, I was able to muster, rather calmly that, “yes, it will be OK.”

For a number of reasons, the word “integrity” was the last thing on my mind at that moment back in 1986.  But over time, this word began to mean more than my surface understanding implied. It can even mean the difference between life and death, although not always in the short term. I learned the deeper meaning of integrity can have a huge impact over the arc of one’s life.

Relevance: Responsibility

While I used to think of integrity as synonymous with honesty, the second dictionary definition, “…the state of being whole or undivided,” speaks to an often-overlooked range of possibility in our lives.

When I say possibility, this in itself represents quite a change of mind.  In my younger years, having integrity seemed to point to being a bit difficult, inspiring perhaps a sense of obligation or extra effort. While this may be true, what we often don’t talk about is the cost of being out of integrity. That is sometimes hard to see in the short run.

Say for instance that you didn’t take as much time as you should have planning your 300-knot course from Ridgecrest, CA to Moffett Field. Sure, the headings and checkpoints may be OK but what about winds and fuel management? Did you notice that after fueling up at your destination, you only had a gallon and a half left? Good God, you knew that that is exactly the amount of unusable fuel in a Cessna 150. That would have meant that you arrived on fumes without admitting it. Did you also forget that you had a 12-knot tailwind in your favor? Or did you just figure the universe owed you this stroke of luck. Why waste any time reviewing potentially life-saving lessons you might have learned when there are more exciting and entertaining things to do? After all, we just arrived in a new place and deserve to have some fun.

When a ship sets out to sea, a course is set and navigation begins. The ship’s captain sets and maintains the course so the ship remains “in integrity” with regard to going where it has said it was going to go.

Now consider the “deeper” integrity necessary for this mission to be successful. What if we were to inspect the bowels of the ship to make sure there weren’t any leaks. After all, leaks will likely slow down our progress if not literally sink our efforts if they get worse during our journey.

Do we have enough supplies (fuel, oil, parts, etc.) to maintain the mechanical function of the ship en route? Do we have enough supplies (food, first aid, waste handling, etc.) to maintain the health of the crew during the voyage? Is the ship tidy such that any unnecessary materials have been discarded so as not to present extra weight or hazards? How is the crew getting along? Do they have a good stock of respect and mutual support in case things get iffy during the trip?

Practice: Integrity in Action. Integrity (wholeness) is available in multiple dimensions all of the time:

1. Inner Self: Do you have your inner and outer house in order? Do you treat yourself like you would treat a respected friend? That means are you well fed with healthy sustenance, getting good rest, enjoying time doing what you like with those you enjoy? Do you take quiet time for yourself to meditate, reflect…to just be?
2. Outer Self: Do you do your best in all of your efforts, both personal and professional, as if everyone was watching? Do you treat your outer environment (home and earth) as if you were preparing it for people you care about?
3. Society: Do you do give your share of responsibility to each of the systems of which you are a part? Because a ship with only 3 of it’s 4 engines running will not be all it was designed to be. Where can you extend compassion where you might be experiencing rancor? Where can you share the light of your honest experience where others may turn a blind eye?

Maybe you are so exhausted and spent just keeping your head above water that this all sounds like a pipedream. If so, my heart goes out to you. Your circumstances may be grim due to no fault of your own. Still, where can you patch a leak, just a little one, to take some measure of control in your situation

I’ve found that when I seek and maintain integrity, life simply works better. Good things come to me in their good time and the unforeseen difficulties don’t seem to be all that much of a struggle. In fact, if I choose to take 100% responsibility for all my experience, I have opened for myself an incredible range of possible actions in response to any situation. More on this in a future article.