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Experience: The Still, Small Circle

There I was, alone on the side of a mountain at 8,000 feet with nothing but the clothes on my back, a sleeping bag, a tarp, and four gallons of water, confined within a circle ten feet in diameter. It was August, 1999 and I had submitted myself to a  traditional Native American vision quest that would last four days.

I was among 14 other sojourners led by a wise couple who had led many such quests for people like us. People seeking to see through the layers of domesticated comfort. Layers that form an invisible veli that tend to blind us to our natural instincts, intelligence, and connection to Earth and Spirit.

Laying in my circle gazing up at the cloudy blue sky, one of the first insights that dawned on me was just how much I needed this. Being plugged into the endless hamster wheel of thinking and doing while strapped to a desk and staring at a screen  inside an artificial environment, it’s easy to forget what’s real. By choosing to slow down and  literally plant my body onto the earth in the quiet stillness of nature naturally invited my inner stillness…my true nature to the fore. This felt right. It felt good, wholesome, and healing. So many amazing things happened during those four days that live on in my memory and in my orientation to life. 

Relevance: Perspective grows in silence

Intentions are invitations. I went into this circle armed only with my intention. I was told that this intention would probably be rendered meaningless in the circle given the radical shift in perspective that I’d likely gain upon leaving it. I found this to be pretty much true. Still, I recognized that setting an intention does tend to open our hearts and minds to be receptive enough to receive new perspectives as they become available.

Your nature is Nature. The biggest shift my perspective is difficult to describe as it was less conceptual than it was contextual. Let’s just say that I felt like a person coming into nature when I entered the circle. Coming out of it, I felt that I was nature. While some of the things I experienced in that circle might be described by a rational mind as psychotic or at least imaginary. I can tell you that my connection with Earth and Life became more real and visceral than I had ever experienced before. It hurt to return to my normal life in a house.

Application: Space and Time

Space inside is reflected on the outside. During a time when we’ve all been forced to withdraw from our typical frenetic pace, take time daily to embrace the stillness within by sitting still and being quiet, preferably outside among living things. This stillness contains so much that you didn’t know you were looking for.

Shake off information for more perspective. We are so conditioned to look for more data when we are confused or need to make an important decision. Sometimes, it’s not more input that is needed. Often all that’s needed is the space and time for the best action to bubble up, simply to be seen. Give yourself the gift of space and time regularly to invite rather than force the guidance you’re looking for.

Experience:  Death-day, Birthday

The month of May brings me to tears. Within the first two weeks, we celebrate both my father’s death-day as well as his birthday. He would have been 85 years old this month. Since his passing, I have marked these occasions by lighting a candle, looking at pictures, and sharing stories with loved ones. It helps to keep the memories alive. Nearly every year though I find myself resisting the strong emotions welling up. I brace myself to hold back a BIG wave of complex feelings rolling over. The tears eventually ripple through my body and let loose like a dam breaking. As the tears fall, I feel an intense release that leaves my chest and heart wide open. Why do I resist the tears?

The whole thing is messy. My shirt gets wet, eyes turn red, and I have this castaway look as if I’ve just washed up onshore. My stress is unleashed from head to toe in a mysterious cleansing action. In the aftermath comes the mop-up. I wash my face, blow my nose, and breathe a lot of deep breaths. This messy crying stuff is a lot of extra work in my well ordered, busy day! And yet, it is appreciated and quite lovely. It is a reset.

Relevance: Reset

Needleless to say, we live in a stressful time of uncertainty and change. The pressure mounts as we navigate our own challenges while interacting with our family, communities, and nation.  Our daily routines are shifting as nearly every societal system and process changes. Now that’s a lot of change at once! When it all gets too overwhelming, sometimes you need to let go and hit the reset button. Letting go is a form of surrender that can reset your body and mind in very healthy ways.

Practice: Let it out!

Hitting the reset button is a skill you can learn. It’s a personal intervention you can do with yourself and with those you are with.  Here are some ways to reset–

REGROUP: Find a place and a time to regroup. Every day take a break to withdraw your attention from things that stress you out. That can look like having a puzzle you work on in a corner of the house, taking a quick spin around the block, or hugging your pet. 

RELEASE: There are very few things that can uncork the bottle like physical exertion. It doesn’t have to take long and you don’t need to be in shape or athletic. The trick is to vigorously engage the body such that it releases stress. Running, jumping, stretching, or compressing (e.g. yoga)all can help release pent-up energy.  Shouting, cheering, and yelling work also! (be mindful of neighbors of course)

RETREAT: Give yourself some relief from the daily routine by taking extended time away. A one day mental/emotional holiday can make a big difference. Put it on the calendar and stick with it. Visit a favorite natural place, take a long bike or car ride to an inspiring destination, or retreat with a journal, book, or online resource. The point is to get away from all of the responsibilities for one or more days.

RELIEF: It’s okay to cry, shake, or squirm. Yes, that’s right! You may be an adult but you are still an animal.  Did you know that animals, especially prey animals, let go of anxiety and stress by shaking? You can too by just allowing yourself to let the dam of emotion go once in a while. Resisting it can be damaging. So when you feel like you’ve maxed out, there is relief in sight. Shed a tear or two and let your body send a wave of relief cascading through you. Let go and let it out!

Experience:  Falls

Over 75% of falls take place on the way down from the mountain. It’s easy to see why. Once you reach the summit or peak, you are more tired and prone to carelessness. Your mind wanders to the next big task or is caught celebrating the top rather than keeping attention on the trail. The path to mastery though is in the commitment to staying the full course– up and down the mountain.

I wish I could say that this is something I always do, but it’s not. Just this weekend, I biked to the grocery store ready to pick up a few important supplies for the week. I felt good about biking and patted myself on the back for bringing a trailer to carry the groceries. Unfortunately, I forgot my mask. Rather than ride back home, I took my chances and entered the store anyway. This isn’t against the law, I told myself. However, it is certainly way against my beliefs and better judgment. It’s also against my conviction to keep me and my family safe. But I did it anyway!  I fell off the path of integrity.

Relevance: Integrity

Living and working with others is all about reciprocity. Most simply, we make commitments to give something in exchange for another person giving us something in return. Some examples of items to exchange are a task, good, service, or favor. When we give our commitment to this exchange, we promise to carry through on one of these items. It’s like our own personal currency. When we fail to follow-through on the exchange, the value of our currency drops. The more we fulfill on our exchanges, the higher our currency will be. Knowing you can trust this exchange increases the integrity of our relationship.

Integrity is the foundation of all interpersonal, group, and organizational life; the connective tissue that holds it together. The more solid the foundation, the more weight can be placed on it. The reliability stays intact. When we don’t follow through the foundation degrades.  

Practice: Power Spiral

Here are a few ways to keep the foundation of integrity strong.

• Accountability buddy. Find someone to help keep you true to your commitment. Choose a friend, colleague, or family member you trust. Share with them your commitment and set a date to check back with them to make sure you’ve completed or maintained it.
• Displays. Find a heads up way to keep your commitment in front of you. Some examples include a weekly reminder list on our desk, a pop-up computer reminder on the calendar, or even on card slipped behind your bathroom mirror.
• Fess up. Just like I did in this blog, if you fall off your commitment, share it with someone else. Take time to clean up the impact, forgive yourself, and recommit to future integrity. This isn’t about self-flagellation, think of it as repair work.
• Power Spiral. Completing or fulfilling a commitment gives a boost of power. You can feel it in your body. Make it a practice to tune into this feeling of power rising as you maintain or achieve your most important commitments. Notice also the reduction in power if you fall off. In this way, you can train the body to reinforce integrity. It builds an upward power spiral.

Experience:  Egg

A couple of weeks ago, our family inherited three full-grown hens; by choice. Studiously, my wife Dawn read chicken books and blogs to figure out feeding, bedding, and other details.  I found a simple but sturdy set of plans for a nice sized chicken run. We took all day Saturday to build the spacious run and fastened it to the coop that came along with the birds. By the time Saturday night came around, we had transferred our new flock into their home. We fell asleep completely exhausted and yet completely contented.

Waking up Easter Sunday, our children leaped from bed early to check on the new brood. One of the chickens was squawking loudly and pacing across the run. Then her pace quickened and her squawking lengthened into cries. There was nervousness among the other birds. We urbanized humans were concerned as well. The chicken we call “Hei Hei” from the Disney Movie Moana darted in and out of the chicken coop. And then it happened just like an Easter miracle: a large Teal-colored egg dropped into the sandy bedding of the coop. We cradled it like a newborn baby and took it inside.  Cracking open the shell, we wondered what we would find. Out came a double yolk.

Relevance:  Nature        

Nature gives continuously. From bees to trees, from worms to ferns, there is ceaseless participation of working units to create healthy soil, fresh air, fertile plants, and nourishing food. Stop for a moment to ponder it all: a bounty of gifts from an unfathomable number of hard working agents here on Earth. They don’t ask for thanks, which makes the whole dance of life even more remarkable. The system isn’t motivated by concepts. It’s fueled by vast networks of intricate reciprocity far too grand to behold. And if we take a moment to fathom it, we humans must be overwhelmed with gratitude for what we are given freely. When we do, we may become. if only for a moment. an awe-struck beneficial partner in the dance. When we don’t, the gifts are at risk of fading away.

Practice:  Gratitude

On this fiftieth anniversary of Earth Day, take time to relish nature with your gratitude. Here are ways you can contribute to the bounty of life:
1) WITNESS WONDER: Take a walk outside and revel in it all. Leave your devices behind. Touch a plant, smell a flower, and hear the birds. Then ask a question: how do I want to express my gratitude? Journal, draw, or talk to a friend about what comes up.
2) CHURN N’ LEARN: It’s okay to be overwhelmed with what’s happening to the planet. If you’re not, you’re not looking hard enough. Continue on your quest to understand what you can do to make a positive impact. Attend a lecture, read a book, check out a nature series online. It’s okay to shed a tear or become enraged. Education reconnects us with what is wild and supercharges our desire to participate.

3) HELPING ACTS: Find a way to assist in nature’s dance. Maybe you start a compost bin to create rich soil in the backyard. Perhaps you plant a few plants that attract pollinators like bees. Consider something larger like putting in a rain barrel to capture and reuse rainwater water from your roof top or installing solar power cells on your house.

Let us live with helpful acts of gratitude that support life. On this and every day, happy Earth Day!

The Vacation

It was one of those moments of truth…albeit a small, privileged one. My wife and I decided to call off the one trip we planned for the year to see our family, who live over 2,000 miles away. We couldn’t justify planning for a summer vacation with our extended family when so many other people are scraping by to afford food and rent in this time of crisis. Even more uncomfortable is that we don’t know what our financial future holds in the coming months.

It was one of those hard phone calls with my sister and mom where we had to tell the central truth and rock the boat.  Family exchanges can be really tough; fraught with tricky communication in a sea of historical patterns. Seemingly small stuff can sometimes drag up really big stuff. I called my mom and sister to have the talk. The honest truth must have rung through because we were able to navigate each of our needs fairly well. Though they were disappointed, they understood. My mom and sister would go on the vacation and we would stay behind this time around. We all felt good enough about the mutual decision that we left on a sober but positive note.

Relevance:  Stand-Taking           

It takes something for you to hold firm to what you believe. Because we humans are prone to going along with things even when we don’t like them. When we stop to share our needs, perspectives, or beliefs, it can feel like swimming upstream or walking in a thicket. We can physically sense the increased exertion and energy needed to communicate against the momentum; especially when the stakes are high or very personal. That’s why it’s so appropriate to use the expression, “Taking a stand.” You have to have the posture to pull it off or you will cave in.

This global pandemic offers us the chance to practice moment by moment the art of stand-taking. Whether it is keeping physically distant, putting on a mask to go shopping, helping those in need, or going to a job on the front lines to interact face to face with the public, we are confronted with doing the right thing in ways some of us have not seen in our lifetimes.  This is an almost unprecedented time for summoning your deepest power.

Practice:  Super Power

Let’s say you need to find your power–your super power–for doing something very important (reminding a colleague or relative to keep their physical distance for example).Taking a stand begins with the body. You will feel an emotional rush or surge in the body…like a wave.

Step 1: Be upright. Lengthen your spine and pull the crown of your head upward without tightening.

Step 2: Center. Breath much lower than you usually do. Come from your belly. This is your source of power.

Step 3: Reach in. Pause for 1-2 seconds to find your words. It will feel like an eternity but take your time!

Step 4. Deliver. Share outward your words in a way that is clear and energetic. Don’t mince words. Get right to it. If you waiver, go back to step 1 and start again. Yes. Start at step 1 you can do it! Play with this, develop your superpower. You will create your own unique voice and way of being in the midst of challenges. Superheroes, especially, need to practice this and so do you. Cultivate your superpower!

Share your acts of WE-NESS at a weekly  Journey Wild call (Friday at noon): https://zoom.us/j/801958549. This is our new weekly opportunity to connect and share events that have inspired a sense of compassion and community for us in recent days.

Experience:  The Poem

It started with a poem…scrolled on a post by the sidewalk a block from my home. My next-door neighbor sent me and my family an email with the verses to lift our spirits. It was a loving gift. Because you see, my neighbor and I can’t speak freely face to face anymore.  We have to keep our distance.

Throughout the week it continued. Another friend sent an invitation to offer professional coaching, counsel, or holding space for her closest colleagues and friends. An Italian tenor named Maurizio Marchini passionately sang out ‘Nessun Dorma‘ from his balcony in Florence to amazed neighbors and then via YouTube to the world.  People starting leaving food in Little Free Libraries for those who may be hungry. Teachers gave free online yoga classes. Congregations of all faiths live-streamed their daily prayers and meditations. Medical workers of every type put their lives on the line to tend the sick. Virtual happy hours, online hugs, electronic collaboration, small and large business service exchanges. In a show of pure silliness, my wife and I were invited to join a Sock Puppet Theatre troop online, where we would each play a character reciting lines from old time radio shows. On and on it went, too numerous to chronicle; stunning displays of humanity in a time of historically significant uncertainty.

Relevance:  Together

Across the fear, anxiety, and loss over the past few weeks, human beings are finding ways to proclaim their generosity, creativity, and connection.  In our best moments, these kinds of expression break through. However small or fleeting, we lift the veil of separateness to wield the truth of our supreme interconnectedness. 

Sure, there is no telling how long this will last, nor the scope of its effect. But we can make a choice to be more generous, more creative, and more connected than normal everyday patterns seem to allow. It may just be the opening salvo of many more difficult moments of crisis in the days, months, and years to come. Either way, when we practice being generous, creative, and connected, we consciously evolve a way of being that will endure nearly any challenge. It’s like a dress rehearsal for a new humanity. One built on a very different set of assumptions. We are inextricably linked. We are together.

Practice:  The WE Challenge       

Over the next few weeks and months, here is a challenge to take on. We’re calling it the WE Challenge.  Find ways that you can demonstrate acts of generosity, creativity, and connection like the ones in this blog. It doesn’t matter how BIG or small, or how many beings (animals and plants included) it involves.  The force comes from your heart–What do I have to give that I can uniquely contribute? What are creative or artistic ways for me to express myself? In what ways can I reach out in new or different ways to connect with others? Take a moment right now to write down a few ideas. Then commit to trying one or more out. By doing so, you are helping all of us to move past fear and into what is possible. You are helping us practice conscious evolution as a species. Because we are, after all, not separate.

Share your acts of WE-NESS at a weekly  Journey Wild call (Friday at noon): https://zoom.us/j/801958549

Pandemic

What if you thought of it
as the Jews consider the Sabbath—
the most sacred of times?
Cease from travel.
Cease from buying and selling.
Give up, just for now,
on trying to make the world
different than it is.
Sing. Pray. Touch only those
to whom you commit your life.
Center down.
And when your body has become still,
reach out with your heart.
Know that we are connected
in ways that are terrifying and beautiful.
(You could hardly deny it now.)
Know that our lives
are in one another’s hands.
(Surely, that has become clear.)
Do not reach out your hands.
Reach out your heart.
Reach out your words.
Reach out all the tendrils
of compassion that move, invisibly,
where we cannot touch.
Promise this world your love–
for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
so long as we all shall live.
–Lynn Ungar 3/11/20, lynnungar.com

Experience: Profound Grief

In 2018, I lost my husband of 25 years to cancer. We had been so fortunate to be best friends and partners in everything. I was in a daze for the first six weeks. I did what had to be done, but I was sleepwalking. Everything seemed daunting—even dropping off a jacket to the dry cleaners. No one grieves a loss in the same way, but all are affected by the loss of a loved one.

Profound grief is a giant computer program, taking up most of the space on the hard drive, leaving little room for other programs to run. After Matt died, I could not drive safely or organize a coherent paragraph. I had no desire to continue my work as a consultant even though work had been a balm for me in facing losses. I thought I would never do any professional work again.

Now almost two years out, I no longer feel like Mr. Magoo behind the wheel. I was recently asked to speak at a conference and I joyfully said yes. I could not have faced it a year ago. Although I will never “get over” losing Matt, I am slowly building a life on my own.

Relevance: Grief in Today’s Workplace

In many workplaces with employees nearing retirement age, spousal deaths are not uncommon. The death of children or parents can happen at any time. Bereavement leave may or may not be available to people or it may be just a few days.  On average, four days are allotted for the death of a spouse or child, according to the SHRM 2016 Paid Leave in the Workplace Survey.

When a spouse dies, the surviving spouse will be inundated for months with paperwork, phone calls, and estate details, not to mention planning, expense, and travel for a funeral or memorial. At the same time, the individual may feel great pressure to continue working in the face of a 50% or more loss of income.

Profound Grief is a full-time job. The usual home, kids, and work scheduled may be too much for people to handle while paralyzed with grief. Grieving is exhausting and profound grief is a full-time job.

The dynamics of helping a grieving team member readjust to the workplace can be viewed through the lens of Integral Theory. If you completed the Journey of Collaboration, you will recognize the perspective on grief viewed through the four quadrants below.

I experienced a memorable intervention from the Systems Quadrant after my husband’s death. I had a morning video call with my team members at Living Giving Enterprises. I had not slept the night before. My eyes were red and puffy and when we checked in, I admitted to a devastating night of grief. Meeting host Darin Harris, said, “Let’s all take a few minutes to simply breathe. Kathleen, we will breathe with you.” I closed my eyes and took deep breaths as did my teammates. After a few minutes, I opened my eyes, feeling calm and the meeting went on. I will never forget that.

Application: Communication with those Grieving

You as the leader need to talk to a member of your team who has lost someone. Here are some important steps and practices to consider:

• Find out what the individual needs right now in terms of work accommodations. What options might there be for that person to take some extra time off instead of returning to work immediately? Is part-time possible? Working at home? A special project? Is Family Medical Leave needed and possible? Talk with the whole team about who will help get essential work done.
• Some people may feel better going back to their normal work routine and should be welcomed back with open arms. No judgment!
• Express your feelings simply and sincerely—no sermons necessary. The worst thing, however, is to say nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing.
• Ask the bereaved their preferences for communicating what has happened to co-workers. Some companies and organizations invite others to donate sick days to give the individual more grieving time away from the pressure of work. An Employee Assistance Office may be able to provide support to the grieving individual. Human Resources very likely has resources as well.
• In the short term, learn when the visitation, funeral or memorial event will be and ensure that co-workers do not intrude on that space with emails, texts, or calls. Send flowers or a team memorial gift. Several people from the team, including you, should attend the visitation, funeral or memorial.
• Rather than asking, “How are you doing?”, Ask “How are you doing today?” The latter is a question that a grieving person may be able to answer.
• David Kessler, co-author of On Grief and Grieving, says that how you address the deaths of family members is a critical juncture. “This is one of the most crucial experiences you will interact with your employees on. They will remember how you handled this. This is a moment that will be important in retention.”
• Additional Resources. Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, by Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook CEO. “How to Support Employees through Grief and Loss,” by Lisa Roepe.
  
  Photo by Paola Chaaya on Unsplash

By Harry Webne-Behrman

The following is an excerpt from What Matters at Work, my recently published book for emerging, facilitative leaders who want to align their actions and those of their organizations with the things they truly value.

Everything we do in Journey of Facilitation and Collaboration and Journey Beyond increases and improves our awareness of ourselves, the people in our groups, and the larger context in which we operate — “Taking Healthy Steps” helps us be keenly aware of the ways we may take such journeys.

Our society tends to reward and reinforce “busy-ness”. We somehow think ourselves inadequate if our reply to others asking, “So, how are you doing?” is anything less than, “Wow…things are really busy for me these days!” It’s a badge of honor, a source of pride, and a core element of professional and personal identity to be flitting from place to place, multitasking, and then “playing hard” to the degree time allows it. Of course, we may simply continue to be swamped with chauffeuring kids, attending more meetings, or otherwise filling our proverbial plates: We are BUSY, and there seems to be little incentive to change.

In his thought-provoking book, Essentialism (2014), author Greg McKeown invites us to focus solely on those things that really matter. He offers several approaches summarized in three core practices: ● Do Less, But Better ● Be Committed to the Rigorous Pursuit of Less ● Focus on the Essential.

The practice that we wish to reinforce now is to Take Healthy Steps. This relates to focusing on the Essential, but it also means noticing that as we go from place to place, we take our Intention with us and incorporate a sense of Beauty and Appreciation, as well.

I make an effort to take at least 10,000 steps each day, as this is one way I bring my intention to stay fit and upright into my routine. But I do more than merely walk from place to place: I try to bring “spring” in my step, noticing my energy level and state of being, perhaps singing to myself for part of the journey. I try to notice the world around me, the sun, trees, and people, and appreciate that by walking about I am able to notice very different things than when I drive.

I have also noticed over the years that, as I walk the areas where I work or live, I meet people I know; this is a great opportunity to connect regarding a project or an idea, or simply to be with friends and colleagues. This awareness has resulted in generally trying to leave an extra few minutes for that walk, so I don’t resent meeting people I want to see. If no such encounter occurs, it allows me the time to notice my environment a bit more completely and refocus my attention on the meeting about to occur before I enter the space where it will happen. As we discuss elsewhere, relationships are the fundamental building blocks of Community; such encounters are actually “work” that is productive, if kept in proper proportion to the other purposes at hand.

My partner, Lisa, is a voracious walker and has been for many years. Every year for her birthday, she selects a hike and thinks through some of the key milestones along the route. She dedicates this anniversary of her birth as a day of reflection and renewal, both in intellectual terms and in physical terms. Together, we also chart out regular hikes, and consider such events to be excellent ways to both connect together and to have conversations about dilemmas in our work and our family. All along the way, we try to stride in a manner consistent with our broader intentions.

As a result, I often have time for Connection (when walking with Lisa), Reflection (alone), and Synthesis (to/from meetings). Each aspect matters, and it dawns on me that we don’t often allow such a routine to offer us these important ingredients. My ‘quality of life’ tends to be better when all three ingredients feed one another on a given day. If I Connect with people, especially those important in my life, I tend to be stimulated, energized, and purposeful. Whether I am in Working or Relational mode, I get nourished by interesting conversation about worthy topics. It takes time, and it doesn’t happen in the rushed formalities of e-mail encounters.

Lastly, Synthesis allows the opportunity to make sense of all we experience, sort out the nuggets of life lessons, and determine what is worth acting upon and how best to do so. Synthesis helps us sort the “Urgency/Importance” matrix and find the meaningful currents in our work – otherwise, we are likely to respond without taking proper stock of the best pathways before us.

Application: Healthy Steps: To notice the way we use our transitions at various times of day, and reflect on ways they might be channeled in service to our Intentions.

Step 1: Take a few moments to reflect on how we spend our time walking (or otherwise traveling) from place to place. In doing so, try to notice your pace, energy, and mindset as you walk: ● Am I rushing to this next meeting? What tension am I bringing to the meeting because of it? ● Do I have an unresolved “bother” that I am now noticing as I walk, as it shows up in my tension and attitude? Do I have a way to put it aside so I can focus with full and best intentions and be present in my next interactions? ● Am I distracted by the beauty of the walk, taking me in a new, unanticipated direction that I actually appreciate more than my intended destination? What does that mean?

Step 2: These are all useful things to notice: Consider other ways to demonstrate and practice “taking healthy steps” in this Journey, including non-physical ways so that this is a more inclusive and accessible practice. By slowing down, I tend to notice more. By listening, I tend to understand the Needs of others better. By taking time, I get to Meaningful Outcomes faster.