Darin Harris

Experience:   Surprise

It seemed like a normal meeting with a group of 15 participants, each person’s image in small boxes on Zoom. We introduced the session, reviewed the agenda and guidelines, and settled in for the first topic. One participant bravely stepped up and with a quivering voice told the group she struggled with the format of the class. And then another did the same. We ended up spending a big amount of time unpacking how we could make the class a more effective learning environment. We welcomed the feedback and made adjustments to the guidelines and expectations. Everyone seemed pleased. Then it happened.

Another participant came forward to not just question but call into question the program content– that it was oppressive and personally distasteful. Rather than use inquiry questions or choosing to unpack our different perspectives, I got defensive and disagreeable. It didn’t go well. Several in the group jumped in to side with the perspective of the participant and we spent the whole time volleying small and large triggers and personal “polite” attacks. All of this without directly addressing the content now in question. Leaving the meeting nearly breathless, I spend days recycling and replaying the situation, trying to make sense of it on many different levels.

Relevance: Groups

Groups gatherings are complex and messy. They can soar to incredible heights of creativity, healing, and even transformation. And they can crash and burn quite quickly and unexpectedly. The same dynamics that make groups so powerful and grant the possibility for growth also can leave us feeling defeated and deflated. Our ability to be resilient, constantly aware, and in the game is a prerequisite for anyone wishing to practice collaborative leadership. Letting up or taking a back seat can leave you vulnerable to small and LARGE fits of ego to rear its ugly head. But sometimes ego gets the upper hand, and it’s our choice to treat it with humility.

Practice: Direction of Humility

Groups continually point us in the direction of humility. For a group leader, this demands being “outside” and “inside” of ourselves at the same time. This seeming paradox can be resolved but only if we resist the enticing pull to attach too strongly to our ideas, feelings, or patterns. Here are a few ways I’ve found to practice pointing in the direction of humility:

• Pause and Watch: Take an active stance of the observer. I say active because most people see the observer as passive. Scan the room or Zoom squares for clues such as folded arms, frowns, or distracted participants. Slow down your attempts to fix or correct in favor of a receptive posture. If pushing or hurrying is your default mode, try to slow down and see what happens.

• Feel In and Reach Out: Notice sensations you your body and thoughts in your head. Are they are hard, jagged, or frenetic, or loose, gooey, or draggy? After you access whatever is happening on the inside, take a moment to share it with others on the outside. Use an “I” statement to let people know what you are experiencing and ask them what they notice.

• Learn and Apply: When something falls apart, you can treat it as a mistake or an opportunity to learn and make adjustments. That’s what they do in IMPROV theatre! Ask yourself and the group what they’ve learned from what happened and how to adjust.

• Own and Build: Probably the hardest step and the one with the most potential for growth is to own your faults, shortcomings, and “mistakes” out loud. When you take responsibility for something, it sends a clear signal that you are self-aware and human rather than right and righteous. When you build this platform with the group, it models a way of being that can align, over time, with trust.

“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.”
—Martin Luther King Jr.—

Experience:   Big Table

When I was a kid, we gathered around the Passover table every spring with a hodgepodge of relatives and friends. Some years our table would extend to include over 30 people. I joked with my mom that we would need a special permit from the Rabbi to conduct such a large event outside the Temple. In pockets around this table, we would have spirited discussions about food, sports, relationships, and politics. Pretty much anything went. People jousted for airtime and tried to score points for their ideas. Looking back, it was my first window into group facilitation. I noticed that some people were quiet and mostly listened, while others loved to talk, debate, and make lots of noise. A few people could get everyone’s attention with just a couple of words and a gesture. Especially if they were in charge of bringing out the dinner.

It was this large table that introduced me to the idea of a shared, sacred space. When we finished the small talk, we handed out Passover reading books and gave voice to the story of Jews leaving Egypt for their new homeland. The same people who had been arguing and jousting now carefully read aloud one by one. And every once in a while, the story called on all those assembled to read together. Our voices boomed in unison with such power that I was sometimes moved to tears, although as a kid I didn’t know why. No matter who attended, whether they were blood relatives or not, they were welcomed and engaged with warmth and hospitality. They were family in our eyes.

Relevance: I Know You

In these highly polarized times, we ‘other’ people a lot. We use labels to divide and separate– even to demonize. What if we instead tried to see people we don’t even know as members of our extended family? What if we called strangers brothers and sisters, or as cousins, uncles or aunts? In ancient cultures, they actually do this. When I visited India, they referred to older persons they casually met in the street as auntie or uncle. It created a bond and a palpable feeling of comfort as if to say, “I know you and we are connected, even if we haven’t met before.” It was familiar to me because of my family’s table.

Practice: Extended Family

• Intention. Before you walk out the door of your home or open a virtual call, take a moment to set an intention that you will be meeting people with whom you are related. Expect to find connections with these people as if it were natural.
• Communication. Share a word with someone you don’t know, looks or acts differently than you, or happens to cross your path. Take a few minutes to communicate to them that they matter. You may be very surprised at the results. 
• Acknowledgment. When you do hear something of value or even of wonder, be sure to mark the occasion by calling it out. “That is cool because…” “Yes, that is such a good idea.” “That reminds me of…” In moments of real connection, I will sometimes finish the conversation by referring to that person as brother or sister.
• Caring. Take a moment to give back to this other person. It may be as simple as “thank you”, “be well”, or “stay safe.” This is a way of caring for another human being as if they are related to you. You are rooting for them because their success and health will ultimately assist everyone, including you. Just like they are members of your extended family.

Experience:   Hooked    

“Let’s create vision boards to set our intentions for the New Year”, my wife said. I  grimaced and thought to myself, ‘This doesn’t work for me, seems silly.’ Over the course of the next hour, I stomped around the house stewing in my self-righteousness. While attempting to explain my sour attitude, I emotionally vomited all over my kids and my wife, almost destroying a very creative and kind activity meant to bring us together as a family. I fell into a well that I could not see; a blind spot(s) that brought me to a dark, dangerous place. My voice quivered and my belly tightened. I was hooked.

Digging out from this display was not pretty. It took several hours of unpacking later that night to own what was mine and take responsibility for it as well as express what was brewing underneath. Navigating the tensions and riding the waves with my wife and family helped me to explore the scary territory of the situation. And I discovered and treated wounds lurking in the corners as a result. Most of all, it affirmed the power of bringing personal demons into the bright light of family life.

Relevance: Opening

A wise teacher of mine once said, “Don’t ask me how you are doing, ask your family.” You can take 360 evaluations at work, go on personal retreats, or fill out one of countless self assessment questionnaires. But if you really want to dive in and uncover your progress, there is no better place to get real time feedback than with those to whom we are closest.  The reason this is such rich medicine is that we tend to let our guards down and open ourselves emotionally. The usual walls that separate our public and private lives become more porous. We are vulnerable. Vulnerability creates the opportunity for sacred ground to do deeper personal and interpersonal work.

Practice: Exploring         

Disclaimer: Exposing and exploring emotional demons with family, either by blood or by choice, can be challenging, especially for those with histories of trauma or abuse. So please be advised to take care when deciding who you will practice with. Here are some suggestions if you choose to move forward.

• Safety: First and foremost, ensure your safety when venturing into this work. If you have reason to fear for your physical or emotional safety, you will not take down your guard, nor should you! When the going becomes too much, take a break or chose not to continue.
• Support: Make sure that you are in a place where people have your best interest at heart. A close group of friends can be a good place to start this work because they may be more able to stand with you while not venturing too strongly into their own dark places.
• Noticing: As you push off into the wilds of family interactions, pay very close attention to your body and emotions. It takes diligent practice to watch without falling too far into the abyss. Feel the sensations and where they take place. Note the intensity, pulse, or vibration of energy as the emotions crest. Are there any words that turn up the intensity? Do certain phrases or stories start to play more loudly in the mind?
• Sharing: Once you notice, there is an opportunity to name what is happening for you. This can either be done with yourself or out loud with a family member or friend. Some places to start– “I notice that the story I am telling myself is…” “When you say… my stomach starts to tighten” “I am feeling very angry (sad) (afraid) and need to just pause for a bit.” Writing these things down can be very helpful. Take a look at the patterns and past encounters that show up.
• Grace space: Remember that this is hard work. Going slowly and being patient with yourself allows what can be called ‘grace space.’ Grace space provides ease and balance to roam around a bit while not needing concrete answers. You are carefully exploring new, unchartered territory. Grace does not mean tidy or clean. Exploring is, almost by necessity, messy.

Experience:   Aria

The interstate was nasty. A combination of rain, sleet, and snow fell on the windshield making it very difficult to see. As I passed semis, the trucks blanketed my field of vision even more by drenching the glass. In these moments I was completely blind. It took all of my concentration just to hold a steady line on the road. Luckily, I was not alone.

My youngest daughter sat next to me, lightening the mood and keeping me engaged. She and I were having a lovely talk about how the “Gen Z” crowd saw the topic of gender. She explained the nuisances of why so many people her age were repulsed by traditional ideas of male and female, power, and voice. I added to our endeavor by sharing my perspective about the value of working with masculine and feminine energy; regardless of how you identify–male, female, or neither. While the substance of the talk buoyed me, it was not remotely the heart of the matter. We listened to each perspective, built or jousted the ideas, and then allowed one another to continue. We held the tension of our differences while being close to the center of our mutual admiration. Our ability to be in community sang like an aria. We were separate people, with one unified voice.

As the temperature dropped outside, the rain, sleet, snow mixture turned to pure snow. It became much easier to navigate as the white flakes bounced off the windshield and quickly melted on the pre-salted highway. We made it home safely– all the better for taking the journey together.

Relevance: Re-find Community

Holding people’s perspectives with attention, respect, openness, and wonder helps create the foundation of a very different kind of conversation. This type of speaking and listening allows people to build rather than divide; to delve and complexify rather than tear apart and win. It requires a BOTH-AND dance that holds tensions of opposing views. Ultimately it creates something unique and unifying much like a work of art. Some people call this kind of talk a fourth way–distinct from lecture, debate, or even dialogue. As our national and international temperatures rise, many worldviews are being uncovered for all to see. It is easy to fall into destructive ways of listening. To navigate this new terrain, the way we speak with each other as human beings must evolve or we risk all the violence and horror that befall those at war. We must Re-find Community through generative conversation.

Practice: Generative Conversation         

Branford Marsalis famously said ‘There’s only freedom in structure, my man. There’s no freedom in freedom.’ To converse in complex times, we are challenged to listen and speak in generative ways. Generative conversations provide an allowance for difference, maintaining structure and personal integrity, and uncovering innovative, unified results. Here some ways to seed generative conversation:

• Intention- the wonder of conversing. In generative conversations, you enter the field by intending to discover something new and fresh. You should be on the edge of your seat expecting wonder.

• Presence– the integrity of listening. Bring your attention completely to the person speaking. As your mind wanders and thinks of what YOU want to say, bring it back to the speaker. Reclaim your intention of wonder through attention.

• Delivery– the power of language. If you are used to rambling or taking up space to make your point, instead chose your words with deliberate care as if you are painting a picture. Hold the tension of speaking and listening firmly in your body like you are dancing with the others in the conversation.

• Awe– the affirmation of creation. When you generate your conversation, you are in the zone of discovery, like an artist, a scientist, or a lover. Affirming and celebrating what you find leaves you wanting more. It is an upward positive spiral which generates, renews, and leaves you in awe of what’s possible when you chose to converse in this way.

There was a penetrating silence. It’s the kind of silence that normally strikes fear into the heart of virtual meeting leaders. Here we were over twenty of us on the Zoom platform, intently waiting for someone to speak. After a few moments, a man we will call Larry shared his perspective: “I notice that we are quiet, which may mean that this is very personal. That’s how it is for me at least…” Then Larry when on to talk about what it was like being a person who is deaf in the virtual environment. Using a sign language interpreter for those of us who couldn’t understand signing, his story touched our hearts with vulnerability and openness. His perception as well as his perspective rendered me gasping for air, on the verge of tears. I found out moments later I was not alone. Members of the group stepped forward enthusiastically to acknowledge Larry’s courage and leadership. Then they shared their own perspectives in ways that took the conversation to a whole new level.

Relevance: SUPER-ABLED

People who are disabled are regularly sidelined or excluded. Their views sometimes do not make it into streams of rapid, conventional conversations because of poorly designed processes of engagement. What we continue to learn, however, is that when people who are deaf, bind, physically, or mentally disabled are left out, you cut off immense possibilities. Over the past several months, we have enjoyed the benefits of working closely with disabled communities. Time and time again, we are struck by how the disabled bring a wealth of heart and personal experience born from fires of struggle and hardship. They offer wisdom and humility that showers us with courage and conviction. They are not disabled, but rather SUPERABLED people capable of tapping into highly attuned channels of insight that evade most of us. For this reason, it is critical that they be welcomed and even cherished.

Practice: Complexifying

There is a lot of talk about diversity in today’s circles. it has become almost passé and predictable in organizations that tend to conceptualize it, like they are checking a box. However, diversity is extremely practical. At its most essential, it allows and invites a richness of experiences into the conversation that would usually not be heard. I like to think of it as complexifying. Here are a few ways to set the table for people who are disabled to come forward:

• Ask: Make sure to include in your meeting or event planning clear, direct communications about accessibility. An example is: “Do you have a specific need or requirement to be accommodated in this event/meeting?” Add this question to surveys and prep meetings.
• Prepare for Support: The moment you know a participant needs accessibility accommodations, make sure to contact them about their needs. Perhaps they need an interpreter or real time typist. Don’t wait to contact support persons to ensure they have time to assist and book them on the calendar.
• Design for All Channels: When you do have an accessibility need expressed, it will take time and attention to ensure that everyone can meaningfully participate. For example, if you use slides or videos, they will need to be shown using closed captioning, or visually accessible for reading machines.
• Include unusual needs: Even with careful support and design, it may take effort to fully include people with disabilities. We as leaders have a bias built into the way we communicate and engage. So make sure to build in time to SLOW DOWN, PAUSE, and INCLUDE into your program. As we have learned, you will be rewarded with treasures of insight that might have been untapped.   

In our last issue, we talked about integrity as a way to tidy up our surroundings with a focus on cleanliness. Cleanliness isn’t about being clean for clean sake. It allows for both function and flow through its simplicity and improves the chances we can address these complex, messy times we live in. This week we deepen the scope of what integrity can mean in our lives through complete communication.

Experience: No Show. ‘I will meet you there at 2:00 PM’, that’s what the voice on the other end of the phone said. 2 o’clock comes and goes…and then 2:30. No one shows. When I used to rent out rooms in a three flat apartment building, this happened countless times. I would be left standing on the porch waiting. It was so rare to get a direct call from someone running late or deciding to cancel that when it DID happen, I would go out of my way to attract this person! By showing me that they cared enough to communicate, they separated themselves from the other possible applicants. Many more times no message or follow-up took place. You can learn a lot about a person from when and how they show up for appointments. If they arrive early, on time, or slightly late then chances were this is how they would ALWAYS behave. Another difference was how completely they communicated about it.

Relevance: Complete Communication. How often have you been confused about someone’s behaviors or unclear about expectations? This is something most of us need to navigate on a regular basis. Someone promises to take an action, and then they don’t deliver what is expected and/or when it is expected. When this happens, we can often trace the cause back to incomplete communication. The good news is, we can almost always “clean up” and complete our communication when we notice it lacking. Complete communication can strengthen our relationships.

Practice: Integrity of Communication

• Commitment Language: One of the most powerful ways to ensure complete communication is to use the words “I will…” Using this language wakes up the brain and sears the synapses of both the person making and receiving the commitment. Try this out if you regularly miss or avoid deadlines or commitments.
• Direct line: When locking in a commitment or appointment, ask the person the best way to reach them directly if something changes. That way, you can make a new plan that will cause the least harm to both or all of those involved. Include this direct line into your calendar notes or notebook so you access it quickly and easily.
• Follow-up to Clean-up: If you do make a “mess” with something you do or don’t do, take time to clean it up! Set a time to reach that person. Just letting it simmer is a form of avoidance and will cause damage to any relationship; especially over time.
• Take 100% responsibility: “I’m sorry, my…(insert long, dramatic story).” It sounds innocent enough.  You miss a deadline or commitment and then tell a story describing why you didn’t follow through. But this actually continues the cycle of harm because the recipient has to wade through it, spend their time listening to it, and take energy away from something else. Rather than apologize, let them know that you broke your commitment and want to take full responsibility. Discuss the impact you had by NOT meeting the commitment rather than give excuses or apologies. Then discuss possible options for making things better. Before you finish, be sure to decide on a renewed commitment.

Experience: The Lie

Rushing around in the car one day, it hit me: I wasn’t telling the truth and it was draining my energy like a sieve. When I missed the traffic light, I hit the steering wheel and shouted. When the store I visited was closed, my blood pressure rose. I kept pushing myself to get more things done in the same amount of time. Rather than slow down to make sure things were done correctly, I cut corners (sometimes literally) and did a shoddy job. Driving while eating, I squirted sauce on my pants and the car seat. This meant I had clean up to do which took me even more time. My plan to get lots of stuff checked off my list was not working. And it was making me mad, creating a mess, and causing delays.  I was lying to myself by wanting things to be different than they actually were.

Relevance: Net Gain

We are taught to “tell the truth” as if it is a chore or like taking bitter medicine. After sharing the truth, we slink into the corner waiting for something bad to happen to us. But what if telling the truth increases our power? What if there is a net gain rather than a perceived net loss? There is a profound truth about telling the truth: it builds courage,  clears mental clutter, and raises our level of authenticity. Truth telling is a NET GAIN!

Confronting a mistruth forces us to come face to face with something that is out balance. For most of us, we want to be right and to control our lives. It is easy to tell a convenient mistruth to help make things easier or faster. The cost is that we actually move a little off balance. We reinforce a habit of turning away from what is right in front of us. We retreat into fantasy rather than find the strength to sit in what may not fit the plan or our pre-loaded answers. We may have made a mistake, overlooked something, or caused harm. When we fess-up, we admit to not having it all figured out. This builds a powerful muscle that allows us to weather the storm a bit stronger next time. We are more resilient and responsive in the moment.

Practicing truth telling also clears mental baggage. If you’ve ever held on to a lie or a secret, you know that it takes energy to withhold. Off loading allows us to clean the dark corners and untidy surfaces of our past. That’s why you actually feel lighter, emotionally and even physically, when you share a truth. Truth telling builds authenticity and integrity because you have greater capacity and function.  You are more powerful the closer you are to the truth.

Practice:  Inhabiting the truth

Pause for impact. If you feel out of balance, frustrated, or anxious, take a moment to pause and reflect on this question: What lie am I telling myself right now? It’s amazing what you will share with yourself! Once you get an answer, now you can act on it.

Clean it up. Rather than wait for tomorrow to share the truth, do it right now. If you can’t do it immediately, as an example, commit yourself by sending a quick email saying that you want to find a time to talk with the person. The main thing is not to wait. Training yourself this way, you begin to inhabit the truth rather than procrastinate.

Sweeping room to room. A game I like to play is not leaving messes in the house throughout the day. If I dirty a plate then I take 10 seconds to clean it and put it on the rack to dry. If I drop something, I pick it up right then and there rather than coming back later. Doing this is a way to develop your integrity muscle because you deal with things as they happen in the moment. Try out the game for yourself: sweep from room to room. You will be more powerfully in the NOW, closer to the truth!

Experience:   Out of Whack

I’ve been feeling quite out of sorts lately. With daily accounts of anger, hatred, and violence across the country, it has been like standing in the middle of a cultural hurricane. And it hasn’t just been the news. Friends and family are swept up in the national story. Nearly every personal exchange I have begins with COVID-19, civil unrest, elections, climate change, or the economy. It is as if I and everyone else is free falling, groping in the dark, and wondering where to turn for answers.  Not a surprise that my mind is distracted and agitated.

This distraction has taken its toll on my normal, daily rhythms. Time has a weird bend to it and I find it sometimes difficult to motivate myself to do what was once easy or normal. Because, I say to myself often, nothing feels normal or easy. The hours can pass, but my work and tasks don’t seem to flow like they once did. People I would see daily are stuck inside. Work meetings are now remote and distanced. Passers by on the street move away to the other side. It all feels strange. On some days, even with great attention, each step I take seems like walking in heavy snow. I labor forward, with extra effort. I am out of whack.

Relevance: Convergence

There is a great convergence taking place right now in the United States, perhaps in the world. A number of forces are coming together that will shape our future as a human species for years to come. Convergence happens when possibilities have been explored and conversations come to a decision or action point.  It is a time of reckoning and choice. The November elections are but one of these choice points. We can see actions on subjects from climate change, racial equity, economic disparity, and more coming to a head. It is the “fierce urgency of now” that Martin Luther King Jr. described in 1963.

Allowing yourself to stand in the zone of convergence is  like being in a wild place. It is a space where answers are not yet formed. It is a place where destruction and darkness collide with brightness and hope. A time of convergence is painful, confusing, and the results are by their nature not knowable. You just have no idea of what will take place. It is unsettling. It is a WILD place.

Practice: Birthing the New

Here are some steps to take to be completely engaged with WILD convergence:

Total Attention – As understandable as it may be to want this to be over with, wild places of convergence require our complete and utter attention. It is like giving birth. There will be contractions and pain. There will be moments when we want to turn away. If we don’t pay complete attention to what is going on, however,  we will miss mysterious and subtle opportunities that show up. Be on the look out for glorious surprises and strange and wonderful possibilities. You have to be in the game to win!

Take Action – Small actions can seem pointless. But any action you take makes a difference because it multiplies geometrically with other people’s actions. Show up to a talk. Give money or time to things you believe in. Reach out to a neighbor or friend you haven’t seen in a while. Action leads to more action.

Breathe – Make sure you take extra time for breathing and grounding. This is the exact time when slowing down and deepening your breath into your belly is critical. Take at least 15 minutes each day paying focused attention to your breath. Breath brings you and others to life; birthing the new.