Darin Harris

Experience:  Death-day, Birthday

The month of May brings me to tears. Within the first two weeks, we celebrate both my father’s death-day as well as his birthday. He would have been 85 years old this month. Since his passing, I have marked these occasions by lighting a candle, looking at pictures, and sharing stories with loved ones. It helps to keep the memories alive. Nearly every year though I find myself resisting the strong emotions welling up. I brace myself to hold back a BIG wave of complex feelings rolling over. The tears eventually ripple through my body and let loose like a dam breaking. As the tears fall, I feel an intense release that leaves my chest and heart wide open. Why do I resist the tears?

The whole thing is messy. My shirt gets wet, eyes turn red, and I have this castaway look as if I’ve just washed up onshore. My stress is unleashed from head to toe in a mysterious cleansing action. In the aftermath comes the mop-up. I wash my face, blow my nose, and breathe a lot of deep breaths. This messy crying stuff is a lot of extra work in my well ordered, busy day! And yet, it is appreciated and quite lovely. It is a reset.

Relevance: Reset

Needleless to say, we live in a stressful time of uncertainty and change. The pressure mounts as we navigate our own challenges while interacting with our family, communities, and nation.  Our daily routines are shifting as nearly every societal system and process changes. Now that’s a lot of change at once! When it all gets too overwhelming, sometimes you need to let go and hit the reset button. Letting go is a form of surrender that can reset your body and mind in very healthy ways.

Practice: Let it out!

Hitting the reset button is a skill you can learn. It’s a personal intervention you can do with yourself and with those you are with.  Here are some ways to reset–

REGROUP: Find a place and a time to regroup. Every day take a break to withdraw your attention from things that stress you out. That can look like having a puzzle you work on in a corner of the house, taking a quick spin around the block, or hugging your pet. 

RELEASE: There are very few things that can uncork the bottle like physical exertion. It doesn’t have to take long and you don’t need to be in shape or athletic. The trick is to vigorously engage the body such that it releases stress. Running, jumping, stretching, or compressing (e.g. yoga)all can help release pent-up energy.  Shouting, cheering, and yelling work also! (be mindful of neighbors of course)

RETREAT: Give yourself some relief from the daily routine by taking extended time away. A one day mental/emotional holiday can make a big difference. Put it on the calendar and stick with it. Visit a favorite natural place, take a long bike or car ride to an inspiring destination, or retreat with a journal, book, or online resource. The point is to get away from all of the responsibilities for one or more days.

RELIEF: It’s okay to cry, shake, or squirm. Yes, that’s right! You may be an adult but you are still an animal.  Did you know that animals, especially prey animals, let go of anxiety and stress by shaking? You can too by just allowing yourself to let the dam of emotion go once in a while. Resisting it can be damaging. So when you feel like you’ve maxed out, there is relief in sight. Shed a tear or two and let your body send a wave of relief cascading through you. Let go and let it out!

Experience:  Falls

Over 75% of falls take place on the way down from the mountain. It’s easy to see why. Once you reach the summit or peak, you are more tired and prone to carelessness. Your mind wanders to the next big task or is caught celebrating the top rather than keeping attention on the trail. The path to mastery though is in the commitment to staying the full course– up and down the mountain.

I wish I could say that this is something I always do, but it’s not. Just this weekend, I biked to the grocery store ready to pick up a few important supplies for the week. I felt good about biking and patted myself on the back for bringing a trailer to carry the groceries. Unfortunately, I forgot my mask. Rather than ride back home, I took my chances and entered the store anyway. This isn’t against the law, I told myself. However, it is certainly way against my beliefs and better judgment. It’s also against my conviction to keep me and my family safe. But I did it anyway!  I fell off the path of integrity.

Relevance: Integrity

Living and working with others is all about reciprocity. Most simply, we make commitments to give something in exchange for another person giving us something in return. Some examples of items to exchange are a task, good, service, or favor. When we give our commitment to this exchange, we promise to carry through on one of these items. It’s like our own personal currency. When we fail to follow-through on the exchange, the value of our currency drops. The more we fulfill on our exchanges, the higher our currency will be. Knowing you can trust this exchange increases the integrity of our relationship.

Integrity is the foundation of all interpersonal, group, and organizational life; the connective tissue that holds it together. The more solid the foundation, the more weight can be placed on it. The reliability stays intact. When we don’t follow through the foundation degrades.  

Practice: Power Spiral

Here are a few ways to keep the foundation of integrity strong.

• Accountability buddy. Find someone to help keep you true to your commitment. Choose a friend, colleague, or family member you trust. Share with them your commitment and set a date to check back with them to make sure you’ve completed or maintained it.
• Displays. Find a heads up way to keep your commitment in front of you. Some examples include a weekly reminder list on our desk, a pop-up computer reminder on the calendar, or even on card slipped behind your bathroom mirror.
• Fess up. Just like I did in this blog, if you fall off your commitment, share it with someone else. Take time to clean up the impact, forgive yourself, and recommit to future integrity. This isn’t about self-flagellation, think of it as repair work.
• Power Spiral. Completing or fulfilling a commitment gives a boost of power. You can feel it in your body. Make it a practice to tune into this feeling of power rising as you maintain or achieve your most important commitments. Notice also the reduction in power if you fall off. In this way, you can train the body to reinforce integrity. It builds an upward power spiral.

Experience:  Egg

A couple of weeks ago, our family inherited three full-grown hens; by choice. Studiously, my wife Dawn read chicken books and blogs to figure out feeding, bedding, and other details.  I found a simple but sturdy set of plans for a nice sized chicken run. We took all day Saturday to build the spacious run and fastened it to the coop that came along with the birds. By the time Saturday night came around, we had transferred our new flock into their home. We fell asleep completely exhausted and yet completely contented.

Waking up Easter Sunday, our children leaped from bed early to check on the new brood. One of the chickens was squawking loudly and pacing across the run. Then her pace quickened and her squawking lengthened into cries. There was nervousness among the other birds. We urbanized humans were concerned as well. The chicken we call “Hei Hei” from the Disney Movie Moana darted in and out of the chicken coop. And then it happened just like an Easter miracle: a large Teal-colored egg dropped into the sandy bedding of the coop. We cradled it like a newborn baby and took it inside.  Cracking open the shell, we wondered what we would find. Out came a double yolk.

Relevance:  Nature        

Nature gives continuously. From bees to trees, from worms to ferns, there is ceaseless participation of working units to create healthy soil, fresh air, fertile plants, and nourishing food. Stop for a moment to ponder it all: a bounty of gifts from an unfathomable number of hard working agents here on Earth. They don’t ask for thanks, which makes the whole dance of life even more remarkable. The system isn’t motivated by concepts. It’s fueled by vast networks of intricate reciprocity far too grand to behold. And if we take a moment to fathom it, we humans must be overwhelmed with gratitude for what we are given freely. When we do, we may become. if only for a moment. an awe-struck beneficial partner in the dance. When we don’t, the gifts are at risk of fading away.

Practice:  Gratitude

On this fiftieth anniversary of Earth Day, take time to relish nature with your gratitude. Here are ways you can contribute to the bounty of life:
1) WITNESS WONDER: Take a walk outside and revel in it all. Leave your devices behind. Touch a plant, smell a flower, and hear the birds. Then ask a question: how do I want to express my gratitude? Journal, draw, or talk to a friend about what comes up.
2) CHURN N’ LEARN: It’s okay to be overwhelmed with what’s happening to the planet. If you’re not, you’re not looking hard enough. Continue on your quest to understand what you can do to make a positive impact. Attend a lecture, read a book, check out a nature series online. It’s okay to shed a tear or become enraged. Education reconnects us with what is wild and supercharges our desire to participate.

3) HELPING ACTS: Find a way to assist in nature’s dance. Maybe you start a compost bin to create rich soil in the backyard. Perhaps you plant a few plants that attract pollinators like bees. Consider something larger like putting in a rain barrel to capture and reuse rainwater water from your roof top or installing solar power cells on your house.

Let us live with helpful acts of gratitude that support life. On this and every day, happy Earth Day!

The Vacation

It was one of those moments of truth…albeit a small, privileged one. My wife and I decided to call off the one trip we planned for the year to see our family, who live over 2,000 miles away. We couldn’t justify planning for a summer vacation with our extended family when so many other people are scraping by to afford food and rent in this time of crisis. Even more uncomfortable is that we don’t know what our financial future holds in the coming months.

It was one of those hard phone calls with my sister and mom where we had to tell the central truth and rock the boat.  Family exchanges can be really tough; fraught with tricky communication in a sea of historical patterns. Seemingly small stuff can sometimes drag up really big stuff. I called my mom and sister to have the talk. The honest truth must have rung through because we were able to navigate each of our needs fairly well. Though they were disappointed, they understood. My mom and sister would go on the vacation and we would stay behind this time around. We all felt good enough about the mutual decision that we left on a sober but positive note.

Relevance:  Stand-Taking           

It takes something for you to hold firm to what you believe. Because we humans are prone to going along with things even when we don’t like them. When we stop to share our needs, perspectives, or beliefs, it can feel like swimming upstream or walking in a thicket. We can physically sense the increased exertion and energy needed to communicate against the momentum; especially when the stakes are high or very personal. That’s why it’s so appropriate to use the expression, “Taking a stand.” You have to have the posture to pull it off or you will cave in.

This global pandemic offers us the chance to practice moment by moment the art of stand-taking. Whether it is keeping physically distant, putting on a mask to go shopping, helping those in need, or going to a job on the front lines to interact face to face with the public, we are confronted with doing the right thing in ways some of us have not seen in our lifetimes.  This is an almost unprecedented time for summoning your deepest power.

Practice:  Super Power

Let’s say you need to find your power–your super power–for doing something very important (reminding a colleague or relative to keep their physical distance for example).Taking a stand begins with the body. You will feel an emotional rush or surge in the body…like a wave.

Step 1: Be upright. Lengthen your spine and pull the crown of your head upward without tightening.

Step 2: Center. Breath much lower than you usually do. Come from your belly. This is your source of power.

Step 3: Reach in. Pause for 1-2 seconds to find your words. It will feel like an eternity but take your time!

Step 4. Deliver. Share outward your words in a way that is clear and energetic. Don’t mince words. Get right to it. If you waiver, go back to step 1 and start again. Yes. Start at step 1 you can do it! Play with this, develop your superpower. You will create your own unique voice and way of being in the midst of challenges. Superheroes, especially, need to practice this and so do you. Cultivate your superpower!

Share your acts of WE-NESS at a weekly  Journey Wild call (Friday at noon): https://zoom.us/j/801958549. This is our new weekly opportunity to connect and share events that have inspired a sense of compassion and community for us in recent days.

Experience:  The Poem

It started with a poem…scrolled on a post by the sidewalk a block from my home. My next-door neighbor sent me and my family an email with the verses to lift our spirits. It was a loving gift. Because you see, my neighbor and I can’t speak freely face to face anymore.  We have to keep our distance.

Throughout the week it continued. Another friend sent an invitation to offer professional coaching, counsel, or holding space for her closest colleagues and friends. An Italian tenor named Maurizio Marchini passionately sang out ‘Nessun Dorma‘ from his balcony in Florence to amazed neighbors and then via YouTube to the world.  People starting leaving food in Little Free Libraries for those who may be hungry. Teachers gave free online yoga classes. Congregations of all faiths live-streamed their daily prayers and meditations. Medical workers of every type put their lives on the line to tend the sick. Virtual happy hours, online hugs, electronic collaboration, small and large business service exchanges. In a show of pure silliness, my wife and I were invited to join a Sock Puppet Theatre troop online, where we would each play a character reciting lines from old time radio shows. On and on it went, too numerous to chronicle; stunning displays of humanity in a time of historically significant uncertainty.

Relevance:  Together

Across the fear, anxiety, and loss over the past few weeks, human beings are finding ways to proclaim their generosity, creativity, and connection.  In our best moments, these kinds of expression break through. However small or fleeting, we lift the veil of separateness to wield the truth of our supreme interconnectedness. 

Sure, there is no telling how long this will last, nor the scope of its effect. But we can make a choice to be more generous, more creative, and more connected than normal everyday patterns seem to allow. It may just be the opening salvo of many more difficult moments of crisis in the days, months, and years to come. Either way, when we practice being generous, creative, and connected, we consciously evolve a way of being that will endure nearly any challenge. It’s like a dress rehearsal for a new humanity. One built on a very different set of assumptions. We are inextricably linked. We are together.

Practice:  The WE Challenge       

Over the next few weeks and months, here is a challenge to take on. We’re calling it the WE Challenge.  Find ways that you can demonstrate acts of generosity, creativity, and connection like the ones in this blog. It doesn’t matter how BIG or small, or how many beings (animals and plants included) it involves.  The force comes from your heart–What do I have to give that I can uniquely contribute? What are creative or artistic ways for me to express myself? In what ways can I reach out in new or different ways to connect with others? Take a moment right now to write down a few ideas. Then commit to trying one or more out. By doing so, you are helping all of us to move past fear and into what is possible. You are helping us practice conscious evolution as a species. Because we are, after all, not separate.

Share your acts of WE-NESS at a weekly  Journey Wild call (Friday at noon): https://zoom.us/j/801958549

Pandemic

What if you thought of it
as the Jews consider the Sabbath—
the most sacred of times?
Cease from travel.
Cease from buying and selling.
Give up, just for now,
on trying to make the world
different than it is.
Sing. Pray. Touch only those
to whom you commit your life.
Center down.
And when your body has become still,
reach out with your heart.
Know that we are connected
in ways that are terrifying and beautiful.
(You could hardly deny it now.)
Know that our lives
are in one another’s hands.
(Surely, that has become clear.)
Do not reach out your hands.
Reach out your heart.
Reach out your words.
Reach out all the tendrils
of compassion that move, invisibly,
where we cannot touch.
Promise this world your love–
for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
so long as we all shall live.
–Lynn Ungar 3/11/20, lynnungar.com

Experience: Primal Gratitude. 20 miles before the end of the journey, we’d nearly run out of water. The sun was setting. Stream beds were dry everywhere we looked…and the few people we ran into shook their heads dejectedly. We had too little water to cook with and not enough for drinking. Things didn’t look good.

Happening upon an abandoned high sierra station called Sunrise Camp, we searched for any sign of working pumps, trickling streams, or other potable sources. We bushwhacked up the hills and studied the maps. Nothing. Doubt then dread started to fill my mind. What if we had no more water? We’d have to ration for the next 24 hours using the 2 liters left between us while eating only dried food.

After searching around the camp for almost an hour my friend Chris gave a welcome cry from across the darkening hillside. “I found some.” A tiny trickle gurgled out of a shallow hole: enough water to fill our thirsty filtering bags. I was overcome with relief. My heart beat fast and my mouth quivered with a mixture of smiling, laughing, and crying. I felt a resolved doubt in the ability of the trail to give us what we needed to survive. Nature and the trail, once again, had provided. We cooked our last couple of meals in pure bliss…enjoying every drop of water from the filtering bags into our pots and cups. This water would easily take us to the end of the trail! Gratitude welled up inside of my belly, warming my entire body head to toe. It was a massive gift of life. I was awash in primal gratitude.

Relevance: Pure Appreciation

People who work in groups often expect their processes and systems to be in order: the machines powered, the supplies stocked, and the floors cleaned. When basic processes fall short or shut down, groups can revert to blame or panic. We have become so accustomed to things being taken care of that we lose sight of what is working in the background to support us and what it takes to deliver the goods. Practicing gratitude in a full-bodied way enables not only kindness but also humility. It acknowledges that we can’t do things by ourselves. Being actively aware of this can move us from a dim glow of thanks to a shining light of pure appreciation.

Practice:  Long Term Gratitude

Here are a few ways of practicing gratitude. (1) At the beginning and end of every meeting or event take a moment to share words of appreciation. Start with the facility and food, and then work your way to those who put in extra time to ensure copies were made and data available. It may feel awkward at first but over time this muscle of gratitude will strengthen. (2) Stop to thank people for the job they are doing in the moment. Share a gracious word with the person cleaning the bathrooms. Give a smile to someone pouring water in your cup. (3) Before you go to sleep, take time to recall acts of help or sustenance you received. Bring these thoughts front and center; allow them to circulate in your belly, heart, and mind. This practice can help you sleep and over time deepen into long term gratitude.

Experience: Invest in Rest

Hikers learn lessons directly in the body. It’s not a theoretical thing. We’d stayed overnight at Muir Trail Ranch, backpacker haven, after 10 days and 100 miles of wilderness through-hiking. Strapping on our backpacks, full of water, food, and rest, we climbed a steeply pitched trail to the ridge above. We resumed the everyday life of the trail step by step. However, my body felt different. Each step had a spring in it and my legs bounced forward with renewed strength. The warm soaking baths and cushioned mattress the night before did the trick. My physical and psychic batteries felt recharged. Clearly, we had needed to rest. Until then the relentless pursuit of miles numbed the signals to slow down and take a break. We had neglected this lesson from our bodies as well as more experienced souls on the trail.

Some of the most interesting and wise people we met were called “PCTers.” PCT stood for the Pacific Crest Trail, a 2,600-mile route from the Washington Cascades to the Mexican border. PCT hikers stood out from the other folks on the trail. Unlike weekend hikers or us John Muir Trail (JMT) adventurers, PCTers traveled extremely light; masters of bare essentials. Normally they carried what amounted to a fully equipped day-pack, instead of the expedition sized monstrosity others used. Somehow, they managed to put everything they needed into it, including food, a sleeping bag, tent, cooking supplies, and clothes. Their reduced weight allowed them to hike long distances, sometimes twice that of JMT hikers. With the increased miles though came an emphasis on rest. Most PCT hikers we met took one or more days every week on the trail to refresh themselves. Their example lived in our bodies now that we’d felt the benefits of rest first-hand. Our experience improved dramatically and we enjoyed almost everything more: from the food to the scenery. The newest lesson: when taking on something big, you must invest in rest.

Relevance: Task and Affordance

Groups can get very task-oriented. It’s easy to do when you have an agenda to get through and limited time. To keep moving when people are tired, bored, frustrated or worse, however, offers diminishing returns. Pushing for things to get done in the face of these warning signs usually leads to below average results. Groups will “satisfice” by deferring to people in power, delivering the least common denominator answers, or falling into dysfunctional patterns. Deciding that it is time to regroup means that you give an affordance for balancing task with the capacity to accomplish it.

Practice:  Breaking into Rest

You can break into rest in a number of ways. Try getting up out of your seats and moving. Standing instead of being seated can switch the verbal channel enough to renew a tired group. You may also experiment with a reflection break. Give participants time to wander the halls, building or going outside with a question to reflect on. Manage the process by giving them a specific return time. Finally, cancel your standing meeting. Yes, that’s right! Give people a break from the normal routine and invite them to rest. Encourage them to NOT do something related to work in the time they’ve earned by renewing themselves with a hobby, going to coffee with a friend, or exercising. Emphasize that this is a time for renewing and refreshing. It’s a time for breaking into rest.

The Experience…Hikers have a saying: “The trail provides.” As we ventured further into the wilderness — over 100 miles now from our starting point at the Cottonwood Lakes trailhead — this materialized in both everyday moments and significant events. 

We left a freezing cold night at Evolution Lake camp irritated and sleepy. Aching feet, a dry granola bar, and a bad attitude don’t make for much of a start. We clambered slowly down the trail to meadows below, feeling sorry for ourselves. As the morning wore on though, the trail flattened out. What was rocky and uneven, became sandy and relatively smooth. We joked that the trail turned into a high altitude freeway jetting us ahead at nearly 3 miles per hour. When you are carrying a 40-pound pack at 10,000 feet, 3 miles an hour feels like flying. By lunchtime, we were well in range to arrive at Muir Trail Ranch. “MTR” — as hikers like to call it — was one of the few places on our route where we could resupply food and equipment. We were hiking too far to be able to carry all of our food and water. So MTR was an oasis.

As we neared the turnoff for MTR, we met a young woman fresh from the resupply shack a mile or so below us. She greeted us cordially and mentioned in passing that MTR had cabins left for rent. Our pace quickened in anticipation. Arriving at MTR was like entering a high sierra Shangri-La. The shack mistress greeted us warmly and showed us around the grounds. She previewed the cabin rental package including hot soaking mineral baths, two warm meals, and a place to wash and hang dry clothes. She said with a grin that this was the LAST night of the year to rent cabins. They closed for the season the next day! We couldn’t say YES fast enough. I nearly wept when we entered our spartan log cabin to find grandmotherly sewn quilts and the first flushing toilet in almost two weeks. The day after a bitterly cold night, when we needed it most, the trail provided. It was like being visited by angels, just in time. After that night, they visited more often. Time-Angels started showing up in unlikely, sometimes strange, and in desperately needed places. Fear and judgments drove them away, while a mindset of abundance increased the chances that they would visit. For sure, I needed to be on the lookout to make sure I didn’t miss them. This abundant attitude enabled me to embrace whatever came my way.

Relevance: Abundant Attitude

Groups get very messy at times. Conflict between people, differences about which direction to take, and tough personalities are common. It can feel stifling and raw. It is easy to resist these difficult situations because they can be unpleasant. Shutting yourself off to the unpleasant situations also shuts you off to potential gifts. It is a package deal. As a group leader, holding the space for all these conditions to be welcomed will allow you to be available for whatever shows up. Bringing an attitude where all things have value translates into greater openness, awareness, receptivity, and growth. I like to relate to this as holding an abundant attitude.  

Practice:  Responsive Stance

Stand up and place your feet shoulder-width apart. Gently bend your knees. Lift your hands slightly above your waist and open them as if you’re going to catch something. This is a responsive body stance; the stance of abundance. Before people gather for a group meeting or any kind of engagement with others, strike this pose. Have a fun time with it. Practice being fully receptive to everything that will come your way. Picture the people who will be there, review the topics and purpose for gathering. Now you are both mentally and physically ready to embrace whatever happens. Your practice is walking with the tough stuff as well as receiving the gifts of the time-angels.